Trust

My life of late seems to be fraught with worry and anxiety as I try to study and learn well in each rotation (and pass exams!) and also research schools across Canada for a) good residency programs, and b) good 4th year medical electives that will support and possibly help me apply and be a strong candidate for those residency programs.  I don't like the waffling of ...well, this program is good, but this program has this, and ... it goes on.  I do better if someone verbally tells me - this program is good for these reasons, apply there!  I have a hard time sussing out that info and then making active decisions...  And this all comes on the heels of very recently still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life!  Still not entirely certain, but have a few better ideas... :)

I hate anxiety and worry.  I hate what it does to me.  I hate how it eats me up, and dominates my thoughts, keeps me from enjoying the process of looking into these programs - and keeps me in a very self-centered universe!  I spend all my time biting my nails and thinking that I certainly don't have the requirements that school is looking for.

I've been reminded through this, that I am in medicine because God brought me here and got me into the program.  He wants me here, and he's bigger than all of this!  And at the end of the day, I don't need to worry!  I do need to plan and be very proactive and get this stuff sorted out.  But I don't need to worry or be filled with anxiety!  He will open up the doors that he wants me to walk through.

I've started a new practice.  Each morning, if I do nothing else, I surrender my day to the Lord and ask him to be in charge of it all, to take away my worry, to help me trust fully in him and in his plan and in his goodness and provision and sovereignty!  And ask the Holy Spirit to fill me and help me in all of those areas.  So that as I go to the computer at some point to try to research other schools, etc, that I would be able to research effectively, get excited about these programs and the potential of me being there, and not dwell in defeating thoughts of - I can't do this, I'm not good enough for them, I'm a failure, I won't make it, I haven't done enough to be a competitive applicant.

It's been neat how I am able to be free-er in each day - to focus on what is right in front of me - if that be a woman in labour or a clinic assessment, or if that be studying, or researching programs.  And my nails are slowly growing back again!  It's a slow process...

This morning, I prayed and asked God to control and rule my day and help me trust fully in him, and then opened this devotional I'm surviving off of these days :)  This is what I read...

Come to me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional and spiritual.  Rest in the comfort of my Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me.
Pry your mind away from your problems so you can focus your attention on me. Recall I am able to do immeasurably more than all you ask or imagine.  Instead of trying to direct me to do this and that, see to attune yourself to what I am already doing.
When anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself that I am your Shepherd.  The bottom line is that I am taking care of you; therefore, you needn't be afraid of anything.  Rather than trying to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will.  Though this may feel frightening - even dangerous, the safest place to be is in My will.

Luke 1:37; Ephesians 3:20-21; Psalm 23:1-4; Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

So grateful for that reminder!  Such perfect timing...
Hopefully it is an encouragement to you as well :)
Have a blessed day.  And belated Happy Valentine's Day!  You are loved dearly.